Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
