I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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