Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
