Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
