I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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