Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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