In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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