I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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