dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
