I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize