Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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