i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
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I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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