my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
