My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
