I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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