My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
