okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you had me at cake vodka
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
