omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
