remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
