i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
