you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
