It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
