His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
