I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
