Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
