No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
