Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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