omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
