There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
