holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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