Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
