We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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