There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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