There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
