Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
