Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
