omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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