I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
