...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
