dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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