My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
