I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
