i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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