Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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