Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
