i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
