Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
