you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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