i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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