i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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