Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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