I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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