If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
