I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
