we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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