I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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